On 2010-02-14 09:23:56... Wow! I'm so impressed with what I've read from the young writers on this site and you're certainly no exception. You really have a talent. There is some repetition early on. For example you open with 'The sky churned...' and then tell us about 'Turbulent clouds...' a couple of sentences later. Maybe combine them and open with 'The sky churned with turbulent clouds...'. Really nice job, though. You asked if it's worth continuing. I say yes, without a doubt!
On 2010-02-14 09:00:06... Mikala, glad to see your revision. You definately eased the transition from the first two lines. I wonder though, if it might be better without the 'I was so hurt/until I found you' and simply let 'you saved me' be the third line and serve as the transition by itself. It's such a powerful line. What do you think?
Also, I find the line 'I cannot explain' ironic as I think you explain your feelings quite well.
On 2010-02-12 06:34:47... Jim,
Love the poem. The imagery is beautiful. I do have a question: Did this bridge survive Katrina? I looked up the New Orleans twin span bridge and read the bridge was too damaged in the storm to be reopened and a new one was being built. Just curious.
On 2010-02-12 06:19:37... I know I'm supposed to offer something constructive but I just really liked this. To me, it seems very difficult to write something this short and make it feel like it was worth reading. You accomplished that.
On 2010-02-12 06:13:34... Hi Joel. I hope it doesn't sound patronizing but I have to comment on your age. I'm really impressed a fourteen year old is writing something like this. I wasn't sure about some of your historical facts but I looked up a couple things and they checked out(yes, you could buy grape Kool-Aid in Indiana in 1939). You obviously know history better than I do! I will offer one bit of criticism. It's great you have the vocabulary you do, but even a good thing can be overdone. As an example, adverbs can be great but often the context of the story(if it's well-written, like yours) is all we need No need to tell us something was 'said sternly' if we've already gotten it from the context. And adjectives are necessary, of course, but two or three before so many nouns can ruin the flow of your writing and look like you're trying to show off. Just my two cents. I'm curious to see what others think. Overall, really great job!
On 2010-02-11 22:40:05... Thanks for the replies! I'm looking for all the help I can get. Clarity is something I was worried about. When I read it back, it makes sense to me(of course), but I have a hard time judging if it'll be clear enough to someone who doesn't know the story going in. Gives me something to work on. Thanks again.
On 2010-02-10 21:41:48... I really like it. It carries a strong emotional feel. I do agree with what a couple of others have said; the poem does seem to shift a bit roughly from the second line to the third.
On 2010-02-10 19:53:37... I like the writing but yes, more details. Where is this place you've thought of but never been? And why are you going in a police car?
On 2010-02-10 19:43:06... I think the tone is very intriguing, Jess. It certainly needs to be cleaned up some. Spelling and punctuation might seem like minor editing things that can be fixed later but can make it hard for the reader to follow the pace of the writing. Hope you continue.
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